Now please let me start off by saying that I am not someone who really has no clue how it feels to be in a abusive relationship. Trust me, I do. Only to well. Please bare with me, this page is rather difficult to write. I just got out of the relationship about 5 months ago, but I feel it, there is no going back this time. I am thru!! I have had enough! But allow me to start from the begining.....

Well, (not trying to make this sound like a life story but it is, in a way) I can remember being a small child and my mother and father fighting. My father always drunk, and my mother always frustrated. If you think that small children don't pick up on those things, trust me they do. I am proof. My mom and dad sperated when I was 5, but my dad's partying didn't stop for a few years. I can remember my dad and his girlfriend at the time, now my step mom sitting at their table in the kitchen rolling joints and drinking. I have to laugh now when I think about it because my step mom is quite the litte goody-goody now. Anyhoo, my step mom threaten to leave my dad if he didn't get help, so he did. And you know the really sad part about it is after my dad joined AA and got help our relationship has gone down hill, big time. For instance, this Christmas I never heard from him. my dad lives 10 mins away from me. Anyway, I am getting off the topic, allow me to return. While all this was going on with my fathers life, my mom got involved with another alcoholic. This one was a basket case. Ofcourse my mom being co-dependant didn't see this and didn't listen to those who told her and me being 10-13yrs old had no clue. Well, it's a story I have yet to want to get too deeply into, so I will just give you the basics. He was verbally abusive to my mother and once physically abusive once, in front of me. That one time was horrible, he pushed me into my room and slammed the door, he grabbed my mom and dragged her to their bedroom, slamming her head into the wall. Now we had no phone and here I am, a little 12 yr old trying to decide whether I should leave my mom with this monster and try and get help (it was late at night in a bad area of town) or grab a knife and try and kill him. Gods! That is no decision a 12 yr old much less anyone else should have to make. Anyway, I went to try and find help and he chilled out (never found help, no one would answer thier door) and we left, for the night. Yes we went back. Anyway to make a long story short, one night when I was 13, he and my mom were upstairs in their bedroom above my, having a fight and he shot and killed himself. The hard part of it all was he had an 8 yr old daughter named Sabrina. I have not seen Sabrina for 10 yrs and I really miss her. She was the little sister I always wanted. My friends tell me I should go locate her (I know where Mark's mom lives, it wouldn't be hard to find Sabrina) but she was told that Mark died of a heart attack. Also I would hate to make her face things she doesn't want to. Any feedback on if you think I should try to get a hold of her or not, please I really need help making this decision. I was thinking of placing an ad in the paper saying I was looking for her and then let her take it from there. Anyway back to the topic of the page. So that is the back ground that led to where I am today. My first relationship was abusive in small ways, but I only recently relized that. He was a womanizer, big time. Not only that but I think a bit of a pedifile. I was 14 and he was 25 when we first started going out. The second relationship was with an alcoholic, and he was verbally abusive. He would say things like 'if you gain any weight I am outta this relationship'. But that is nothing compared with the last realtionship I was in. This one lasted 3yrs and it's been a nightmare. I have had my jaw dislocated, been called every name in the book, sexually abusied, ect. I am still trying to deal with it all, and here is the kicker~he is still calling me! I let my answering machine pick up on those calls . Anyway, the way I got out of it was, one night I relizes I either had to get out or die most likely by his hand. That I wasn't doing him any good staying and enabling him to continue his behavior. And no it didn't happen over night. That night I relized that was a July evening. I did not leave him until September and I haven't felt so happy or healthy in my entire life. Do I think about him? Yep, every day. Do I think about going back to him? Yep at least once a week. But will I? Never! When I get the urge I just call up some friends and do stuff or chat until the urge passes. It's not unlike being a drug addict. You just need to fight tooth and nail for your life. And by the Gods, if you have kids GET OUT NOW!!!!!!! We are no longer talking about your life but of the lives of inoccent kids! GET THEM OUT!!!!